Has Comparison Stolen Your Joy?
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
I bet we’ve all heard this phrase many times. It is not a new concept, yet I would venture to guess that many of us still struggle with comparing ourselves to others or perceived versions of ourselves.
Comparison sends the message to yourself that you don’t think/feel/act as good as _____. Or maybe it’s the opposite and you believe you do think/feel/act better than ____. This is a self-deprecating or self-aggrandizing trap. I would challenge you to evaluate that thought. Where does that come from? It could come from an insecurity you have, in either scenario. I’m going to focus more on the self-deprecating stance for this specific blog post.
Self-disclosure: I will tell you that comparison is something I struggle with often. My personality tends to strive for doing things “right,” not making mistakes, and always trying to optimize my time, resources, etc. These traits have also given me many benefits in life and make me who I am. However, the downside is when these traits become the main driver to my thoughts, then my feelings, then my actions. Left unchecked, my inner critic becomes quite loud and yells at me “you’re not good enough,” “they are doing so much more than you,” “why aren’t you doing this or that,” or “you should fill-in-the-blank.” I’m left feeling less than and find that these thoughts rob me of contentment of where I am. The action that usually follows is shutting down and/or taking more extreme measures to bring myself towards whatever version I think I should be. This is when I’m acting out of a place of insecurity, allowing lies to create my identity. This inevitably leaves me feeling emptier. It doesn’t come from a place of health or wholeness.
Part of the healing process with this tendency is learning to pursue wholeness instead of perfection. I have had to learn to counter these lies and negative messaging. I must stop the negative thoughts, learn to quiet the yelling, and counter that message with something else. This may be “I’m doing my best” or “my worth is not measured in what my body looks like or what it does.” Stopping my negative thoughts can then improve my feelings, which then prompt healthier actions. It’s not perfect; it takes practice, but it moves me towards wholeness. This is a much healthier place to be in than striving for perfection.
I hear perfectionistic tendencies and comparison traps come up in the therapy office often. Clients will get down on themselves for not being able to parent, work or look in a way they feel they want or should.
Wanting to look, act or feel differently than we currently are is ok. Goals are fantastic and help drive us towards change. Change can be good. I would challenge our thinking to be more “both, and” instead of “either, or.” Meaning, I can be dissatisfied with how I’m feeling, thinking or acting AND not mentally beat myself up with comparison. I can strive to be better without saying to myself “you’re not enough.” The messaging I say to myself may sound more like “I’m frustrated because I’m not feeling good enough as a mother today. Therefore, I’m going to practice self-compassion rather than comparison. I’m having a hard time staying patient today because I’m really tired.”
Another area I notice perfectionism and comparison is in exercise. I practice Pilates, and it presents us with a wonderful movement practice that facilitates healing, flow, precision, strength, balance, and creativity. It can also feel nit-picky at times. The positive side of this is that millimeters can make all the difference in the alignment and use we get out of our bodies. The downside is that many people (myself included) can get perfectionistic about it. It requires discipline and focus. Sometimes, it can be tempting to concentrate on getting it “right” versus enjoying the movement. There are times to try to improve a movement, but most of the time it’s simply about enjoying what that movement experience brings in that moment. Staying present and enjoying the process can help take away the need for perfection or comparison.
“I am learning to find joy right here in the mess of things.”
-Morgan Harper Nichols
Ending note: if this is something you consistently struggle with and cannot stop the negative thoughts, I would highly suggest seeking a mental health professional to guide you towards this place of wholeness. I can attest that you cannot always do this process alone. It helps having someone to reflect these thoughts, feelings, actions off of and practice changing those thoughts. I’d love to connect with you for a free consultation to see if we’d be a good fit to start therapy together.